A Lady, a Psycho and a Mensch Walk Into a Bar
And Come Out with Some Wild Business Plans
Since pretty much nothing in this presidential campaign is politically correct anymore I see no reason why I should be. For the sake of clarity though, I am a woman, a Jew and the owner of spectacular coif. Confused? Join the story of my life or just sit back and read my post about our fine candidate's startups.
Since the 2016 campaign season began in Summer of 1998, we’ve seen a number of unique candidates enter the ring - a flaming racist, a Jewish socialist, an over-eager Hillary and a Canadian-born Cuban man who people like to ignore (and, let’s be honest, we’re all still a bit unclear about why he’s legally allowed to run for President).
Now that things are heating up, it’s clear we’re down to three lead candidates who have managed to raise tremendous amounts of cash with which to sprint towards the White House. Well, two of them have: Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. The third, Donald Trump, has simply been amassing his cash from a reality show and unfinished condos and is mostly funding his own sideshow of a campaign. In the spirit of venture, and the fact that the donations exceed what could possibly be necessary for a presidential run, all three have decided to put the extra cash to use in a new startup rather than a 30 second Super Bowl spot.
We here at Zirra have been following these star-studded start-ups since they were in stealth mode because, well, that’s our job. And with our in-depth research and wildly insightful analysis, we would like to share with you the real deal on these companies; Hillary's CYA Cyber Security, Trump's Palace and Bernie's Egalitarian Non-denominational Interfaith Wheelchair Accessible Temple. Following crowd wisdom, we’ll be ignoring Ted Cruz.
Bernie’s Egalitarian Non-denominational Interfaith Wheelchair Accessible Temple
A Safe Space Where Nobody Will Bern in Hell
Bernie’s Egalitarian Non-denominational Interfaith Wheelchair Accessible Temple is just what it sounds like. Welcoming of all creatures great and small, Bernie’s Temple seeks to provide a safe space for all. Forget your traditional Sunday casserole potlucks, here you can soothe your soul with the very best farm fresh salads and smoothies after rejuvenating reiki sessions.
As popular as Bernie’s Egalitarian Non-denominational Interfaith Wheelchair Accessible Temple is, however, there are a few things potential investors should be aware of. First of all, operating costs of this spirit spa have proven to be exorbitant. The staffing is unusually high and with wages at $20 an hour, plus medical, dental and loads of paid vacation, experts conclude that staff or pay cuts will be eminent without a surge of cash.
In fact, a memo leaked to Fox News has pointed to a reassessment of the business plan. Not wanting to take corporate money, the Temple may need to rely on membership dues and tithing. Notations on the memo lay out the management of this anticipated cash and insider doodles and criticism indicate it looks to be a decidedly capitalistic model.
Zirra has considered the entire picture of Bernie’s Temple and used our proprietary algorithm to come up with some numbers you might want to consider. While the Temple gets a 7.1 overall, the breakdown reveals that is due to a strong vision on one hand, but an inexperienced workforce on the other. Further, momentum is not unfettered by the other potential weaknesses in the company, which makes the valuation at exit projected in the paltry $25-30 million zone. If you are one of the 1,566,432 people who crowdfunded this enterprise, our deepest condolences.
Hillary’s CYA Cyber Security
Your E-Mail Encryption Experts
Also entering the startup fray is Hillary Clinton with her aptly named CYA Cyber Security. Capitalizing on her personal experience in data protection and backup, CYA began to focus exclusively on email encryption and data recovery. From the outside, it looks like a brilliant strategy and there are undoubtedly some strengths. While it has been an upfront expense, investing in a top notch team at the beginning may pay off. With years of hacking and espionage experience, the first hire, Alon ben Ghazi, has already proven his added value with innovative firewalls and counter-hacking capabilities.
Another team member is noteworthy both for being an asset and a liability. When it comes to marketing and consulting, there probably isn’t anyone better than two-time[ing] president and prospective first husband, Bill Clinton. His oratory skills and good ole boy ways are sure to drum up clients but, as we all know, mixing business and family can lead to friction. In addition, potential investors should be aware that there is a history of behavior that may rear its ugly head if Ms. Clinton intends to hire any interns, consultants, employees, freelancers or moonlighters that her husband may find attractive.
Valued at 7.9, with strong marks in execution, product and team, CYA has an estimated value of $50 million currently and the possibility of an exit over a $100 million, something the investors would love to see happen. In light of the saturated market, the chances of that are conservatively estimated as being 10-20%, which is not bad for a startup. Still, investors are sure to be worried about who will blow first, the cyber-security bubble or Bill.
High End for a Quality Finish
In addition to being famous for having “the best words”, Donald Trump has a long line of ventures under his belt. If you take success out as a factor, it’s quite impressive actually. Some of the most notable things branded Trump, however, have astonishingly little to do with his wee branded hands. His latest licensing adventure saw him signing off on the new Trump Palace, which he still insists he didn't know was going to be a house of ill repute.
After the recent completion of the Palace, Trump arrived on his helicopter in perfect emulation of a despotic head of state for the opening ceremony. Upon walking into the foyer, Babylonian in its opulence, Trump was greeted with a much greater than life phallic fountain, purporting to be a true to life (though hardly true to scale) copy of Trump’s own little guy. It was then that it started to dawn on him, this was going to be HUGE.
Smartly realizing that the success stemmed largely from his having pretty much nothing to do with the project, Trump forged a partnership with the contractors to open up three more locations in Baja, Bangkok and Basel. With those soon to open, the potential for profit is certainly rising like a teenager at prom. Sources close to Trump tell us that while he was initially hesitant to hire foreign workers at Trump Palace because he would have to deport them in early 2017 according to his own planned legislation, he ultimately came around (twice).
Potential investors should be aware that Trump Palace is only available to a specific clientele. Customers must be male, white, heterosexual, and able to prove that they are worth in excess of $10M. All other customers are refused service and forcibly removed. Although it may seem like a poor business decision (and a potential legal issue) to limit potential customers to such a small demographic, visitors to the first Trump Palace have already shown themselves to be extremely loyal repeat customers.
Our algorithm, however, does not point to this being a business strategy that’s as giving to investors as it is to clients, assigning it a mere 7. While Trump will not turn down your contribution, we don’t advise padding your portfolio with this dud of a stud.
The Real Debate of 2016
So instead of writing a check out to the campaign, you might consider a longer term investment and go in on the start-ups instead. Now that you know what each one is about let's look at a snapshot side by side.
Which Startup Do You Think Will Occupy Wall Street?
Disclaimer: This blog post is a fictionalized, satirical publication. Its content should in no way be interpreted as an actual record of events, unless the story specifically states that its content is an actual recording of events. This story is also not intended to be, nor should it be construed as, attempts to predict the future course of any individual or entity, but should be viewed only as parody.